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If I may parse what you've written, it sounds to me like you're feeling unsatisfied by traditional, monogamous relationships with individual women. You also have some strong fantasies about being part of a relationship with more than one partner. Being that you're heterosexual, that would mean two women. Part of those fantasies is the sexual fantasy of being with two women at the same time, but it doesn't sound as if the two-hot-bi-babes-all-over-me-at-the-same-time sexual threesome is the most important thing to you here. This is what Martha Stewart would call a "good thing." Guys who are after MFF threesomes for purely sexual reasons rarely end up in them, in my experience. When they do, they're very superficial, which can be fine if that's what you're looking for. But they also tend to be very much fraught with emotional and relationship difficulties... which I guess might also be fine, if that's what you really want... What you're fantasizing about, to get back to the subject at hand, is loosely termed as polyamory, meaning "many loves." It's a pretty good catch-all term to cover people who maintain multiple romantic/sexual/love relationships rather than maintaining a single, monogamous dyad relationship. Polyamory can allow for literally an infinite number of possible combinations of beloveds, and there are an awful lot of different combinations of people and loves and sexual relationships out there in the world. The number of people involved and their interrelationships to one another, however, aren't as important as the principles they all use and hold in common to make the relationship(s) work. People being people, emotions being emotions, sex being sex, and there being only 24 hours in a day, it doesn't really much matter what kind of relationship you're in, you'll still have to learn how to deal with communication, emotional responsibility, time sharing issues, and so on. This goes for monogamous relationships too, only a lot of monogamous people think it "comes naturally" in monogamous relationships, and most polyamorous people have found out the hard way that it really doesn't, because adding additional people to the mix tends to bring the flaws of leaving these things to chance right to the fore in a big hot hairy hurry. They may be tolerable in a twosome, but they are far less easily overlooked when there are three or more people involved. So, my little cabbage roll, the first thing you need to be doing is putting those finely-honed grad-student skills to work and learning about polyamory. I recommend the www.polyamory.org site for starters, and also the book The Ethical Slut by Catherine Liszt and Dossie Easton (Greenery Press). One of the things you will discover as you go along and read and learn is that there is -- such a shame, I know -- no national clearinghouse for meeting Hot Bi Babes, let alone meeting Hot Bi Babes who are open to polyamorous relationships. While I'm at it, let me just remind you, and everyone reading, that bisexual does not necessarily mean nonmonogamous, nor does it necessarily mean that someone wants to have sex with more than one person at a time, nor that they want to have sex with people of more than one gender or sex at a time. There are more criteria here than just finding two bisexual women, putting them in some metaphorical sexual Shake 'n' Bake baggie, and having a threesome come out. So even if there were some Central Hot Bi Babe Casting out there, it still wouldn't necessarily solve your problem. This means that your best bet, in terms of possibly meeting people who share your desires and your preference for polyamory, is to hang out where there are people who are a) open to polyamory and b) open to various kinds of alternative sexualities. Depending on where you live, this may be more or less difficult to do. The www.polyamory.org website lists quite a lot of local community groups and organizations for poly folk, and you may be able to find a group to hang out with that way. Or perhaps you'll start one. In any event, there are quite a lot of online groups for discussion of poly issues, and if you can't find any real world community where you are, online community can be a good place to hear about other people's experiences and to get a feel for the rather disparate and complicated "community" that is the larger group of people who choose not to maintain monogamous relationships. (Note: beware the flame wars that sometimes crop up in online communities devoted to polyamory. They are legion and legendary. Poly folk are indeed a diverse crowd, and while we may all share an interest in non-monogamy, that may be the only point of common ground between any two poly people. Wear your fire-retardant jammies.) Let me say right here that even if you hang out in all the right places, are queer-friendly as they come, and meet a lot of cool people and make a lot of cool queer-positive, sex-positive, poly-positive friends, there is still absolutely no guarantee that you ever will find two women who are capable both of loving/sexually loving you and one another simultaneously. But that's not to say that you won't, either. You can certainly boost your chances by hanging out with like-minded folks. You're also liable to learn a lot along the way, and that, my dear, is no bad thing either. And, in the classic Zen paradox of getting laid, if you're going into your learning and networking and making friends with people with the outlook that you're there to see what the possibilities are -- rather than the outlook that you're going there explicitly to mack on all the hot bi babes and see how much punani you can rack up -- you'll find that your chances of actually getting laid increase enormously. As you go into this, you need to be clear with yourself about whether you're looking for simply a sexual threesome, or an threesome that is also emotional, romantic, or friendship-oriented. Purely sexual threesomes are a lot easier to come by. All you have to do is keep asking enough people, and eventually people will say yes. (As I have been telling people for years, getting laid is easy as long as you're willing not to be picky.) Relationship threesomes, or even threesomes in which there is a base level of friendship and respect and affection between the partners, are a lot more difficult. This isn't to say that you should go for the purely sexual threesome because you're less liable to get the relationship one... in fact, quite the opposite. I think the relationship threesome is likely to be a lot more fulfilling for you, because that seems to be what you actually want. Just make sure that you're clear about what you do want, because the honesty, work, and negotiation that go into making any polyamorous relationship work has to begin with you. If you're not honest with yourself, and willing to work on your own issues, I guaran-damn-tee you that you're already building a time bomb into any relationship you may have with anyone else. A few other things to think about while you're shuffling all this 'round in the ol' thinkbox: Bear in mind that being in a threesome doesn't always mean that you get to be the center of attention, or that being the man in a MFF threesome means you will always have two hot bi babes at your beck and call. In reality, it doesn't even mean that your partners will always be interested, in having sex with you, or each other. It also doesn't mean they'll always be willing to have you watch (or participate in any other way) when they have sex. Being in a threesome also doesn't mean that you'll never be in a dyad. Threesomes can separate out into a number of different duples as well as the threesome altogether, and in many healthy threesomes, different pairs of partners do spend time together as dyads, too. That's all okay, and something you'll be needing to consider. Also bear in mind that there are different configurations within threesomes. There can be what's called a "Vee," where one person is partnered with the other two, but the other two aren't partners with one another (the person being partnered with the other two is obviously the "apex" of the V). There can be a dyad with a third added from time to time. There can be an equilateral triangle where all three partners have similar bonds with one another. And so on. There's no magic recipe. All of them can work. Knowing this lets you compromise a bit more fairly -- after all, you may *want* an equilateral triangle. But what you end up finding is possible for you and your partners may be quite different. Read and learn, young Grasshopper. And keep an open mind. There
are a lot of people out there in the world who have unconventional, Relationships themselves don't actually change in fundamental
ways when you move from monogamy to polyamory. Folks is still
folks, human needs are still human needs, and what makes a good
relationship good isn't monogamy or nonmonogamy, but responsibility,
honesty, communication, and love. Keep your eyes and ears open
and your humility handy, and good luck. |
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12.07.06: Scarlet Letters -- in case it isn't glaringly obvious -- is currently
on an extended hiatus. The web has changed, we've changed, and
we're trying to figure out how we both fit together now, which isn't a process we want to rush. If you're looking for more current SL-related content, you can
have check out upcoming books from editor Heather Corinna and previous co-editor Hanne Blank, check out Heather's current sexuality sites, or explore sites through the femmerotic network. We hope to be back with you soon, as fresh, challenging and
unexpected as ever.
In the meantime, by all means, enjoy our years of past content,
all of which still remain in the public and subscription areas.
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