|
Dear Fat Broad,
I am a 33-year old bi male wanting to figure myself out. Transsexuals
really turn me on. I also think that dressing as a female would
be fun. I have a real problem because I would like to be a normal
woman-loving heterosexual.
Can I explore my fantasies and get them behind me so I can find
a wife and not worry about this desire getting in the way? Should
I throw in the towel and say this is me? Can I change? What do
I work on and what do I accept? What type of events have caused
these desires? As you can see, I have loads of questions! |
|
- Victor/Victoria |
|
Hi there, Vic! I think it's wonderful that you're attracted to
thinking and loving beyond the limitations that Western culture
imposes on us in terms of sex and gender.
There's no really good reason, and certainly no biological reason,
to have only two genders. Biologist and sex researcher Anne Fausto-Sterling
and others have revealed that, biologically speaking, there are
at least five different genetic sexes involving commonly-occurring
sex chromosome patterns. That's the standard "male" and "female"
patterns, plus three more that our culture doesn't even recognize
socially!
Behaviorally, I tend to think of gender as a spectrum with a "masculine"
end and a "feminine" end, but as with a spectrum of colors, you
can stop anywhere along the line. No one would say that a rainbow
wasn't natural, even though there are places in a rainbow where
you look at it and can't quite tell if what you're seeing is green
or blue or both or neither. The same is true of gender: not everything
is male or female. Why so many people live their lives refusing
to think about blue-green or teal or aquamarine because they're
convinced that only blue and green exist is beyond me!
Blue-green, teal, and aquamarine are beautiful colors, and we
haven't even started to talk about chartreuse, lilac, burnt umber,
or any of Crayola's other 64 colors. Humans come in at least as
wide a variety of sexual shadings in terms of their genders, sexes,
orientations, behaviors, and desires, and that includes people
who are "transsexuals" or "intersexed" or who cross-dress. In
other words, people who exist in either biological or cosmetic
ways between or across the sexes and/or genders are, and have
historically been, part of the big picture. People can be bi,
or trans, or whatever, and still be healthy, well-adjusted, functional,
healthy human beings who live long and happy lives. If it makes
you happy, makes you feel good about yourself, and you're not
causing anyone harm· what's so wrong with it?
You say that you "have a real problem because I would like to
be a normal woman-loving heterosexual." The problem isn't that
you're bi or that you are attracted to transsexuals or that you've
got an interest in transvestism, the problem is that you're suffering
from internalized homophobia and heterosexism!
If you read the reports of serious sex researchers, what often
gets called "normal" is not really "normal" but normative -- it sets up a baseline or a model for comparison. In real life,
"normal" doesn't exist nearly as often as you might think. Many
men have bisexual tendencies. The majority of men who identify
as heterosexual have had at least one same-sex sexual experience
in their lives, just as a majority of men who identify as homosexual
have had at least one sexual encounter with a woman.
Looked at in one light, this suggests that bisexuality, not heterosexuality,
is an across-the-board "base state" for human beings, since it
seems like anyone, regardless of the gender or sex of partner
they prefer on a regular basis, is capable of having sexual interactions
with other human beings regardless of gender or sex! Just because
heterosexual fucking can produce babies doesn't mean that it's
the only "normal" kind of sexual activity or sexual relationship.
There is nothing inherently abnormal about being bisexual, and
there's nothing inherently abnormal about being attracted to people
of any gender or gender presentation. Attracted to men who dress
in "women's" clothing? Or women who dress in "men's"? Get hot
and bothered when presented with a good looking transsexual? Me
too! Kate Bornstein, Loren Cameron, and Max Wolf Valerio (noted
transgender activists) can whisk me off to bed any old time.
Maybe what really attracts you, deep down, is the fluidity of
gender and sex, the fact that people can exist in so many different
states, not just cookie-cutter male and female. Viva la genderfuck!
You ask, "Can I explore my fantasies and get them behind me so
I can find a wife and not worry about this desire getting in the
way?" Personally, I'm not entirely sure what your fantasies, or
your bisexuality, have to do with being married or finding a wife.
Many bisexual people (male and female) are married to people of
the opposite sex. So are many people who like to crossdress. It's
much healthier and more honest if this is something they're honest
about with their partners, of course. That can be difficult, but
it sure isn't impossible. Thousands of people can tell you otherwise.
Some people who are bi and married just don't feel a strong enough
attraction to same-sex partners for it to end up being something
they feel they MUST have in their lives. They may have fantasies,
flirtations, same-sex porn collections, or simply have social
contacts with other bi or gay people which satisfy that part of
their needs. I know plenty of bi people who are in long-term,
monogamous relationships with people of the opposite sex where
they don't have to pretend they're heterosexual in order to have
long-term heterosexual relationships.
For many bi people who want to be in long-term relationships but
who also want relationships with people of more than one gender,
polyamory (having more than one love relationship in your life)
is a workable option. To judge by the polyamorous people I know,
many of them, but not all of them, are bisexual. I know several
couples who maintain very strong polyamorous marriages in order
to accommodate the bisexuality of one or both primary partners.
In short, it can and does exist, even though to the neighbors
these people look like anyone else on the block.
The same is true of crossdressing and transsexuality. A lot of
crossdressers, particularly male crossdressers, are heterosexually
married. Wives' reactions to their husbands' crossdressing range
from hostility ("You want to wear what?!") to total acceptance and support. At crossdresser-community
events, you will sometimes see crossdressed men who come with
their wives on their arms, both of them looking utterly beautiful
and dressed to the nines.
Like many people who find that they have an orientation or desires
that are not part of what mainstream America thinks is "normal,"
you wonder if you can or should change, or if you should try to
"work on" changing parts of yourself. For my money, I think you
are who you are, and I think that who you are is just fine. I
can't see why you need to change that to have a happy and wonderful
life.
What I think may need to change is your attitudes about your own
sexuality and the set of things that you think about as being
options and possibilities for how you will live your life. As
you intuit, it's probably not in your future that you will have
an effortless "Leave it to Beaver" sort of heterosexual family
life, but hey, who knows? Maybe Ward was wearing June's stockings
and high heels behind the scenes!
A lot more is possible, and to be honest, people actually do much
more in their private lives than they'll usually admit to in public
or in the straight media. You might live down the street from
a couple who has a BDSM dungeon in their basement, or who have
a polyamorous marriage. You might work for someone who really
loves to go home after a hard day at work and relax by crossdressing
in something that makes them feel really sexy. These aren't things
you'd know about because most people try to keep these parts of
their lives a secret. It doesn't, however, mean that it isn't
there or that it isn't happening all around you.
You're not the only person to discover they had sexual desires
that confuse them and ask "But WHY? Why do I feel this way?" The
answer is that no one knows. People are attracted to different
things for an enormous variety of very complex reasons. Desire
is a slippery thing and its sources are pretty damned mysterious.
Psychologists, neurologists, psychiatrists, brain researchers,
sex researchers, and other people who work on the issue all agree
that it's much more complicated than they can pin down.
In short, I wouldn't worry about it, since you're not going to
get a real answer anytime soon. Spend your energy more profitably
on finding out more about bisexuality, trans-people's issues,
finding community, and self-acceptance.
For more information on transgender and crossdressing issues,
I recommend the wonderful website of the International Foundation for Gender Education. For a clearinghouse of bisexual-related information, consult
bi.org. Curious about polyamory? Try the alt.polyamory homepage.Dear Fat Broad,
I am a 33-year old bi male wanting to figure myself out. Transsexuals
really turn me on. I also think that dressing as a female would
be fun. I have a real problem because I would like to be a normal
woman-loving heterosexual.
Can I explore my fantasies and get them behind me so I can
find a wife and not worry about this desire getting in the way?
Should I throw in the towel and say this is me? Can I change?
What do I work on and what do I accept? What type of events have
caused these desires? As you can see, I have loads of questions!
Victor/Victoria
Hi there, Vic! I think it's wonderful that you're attracted to
thinking and loving beyond the limitations that Western culture
imposes on us in terms of sex and gender.
There's no really good reason, and certainly no biological reason,
to have only two genders. Biologist and sex researcher Anne Fausto-Sterling
and others have revealed that, biologically speaking, there are
at least five different genetic sexes involving commonly-occurring
sex chromosome patterns. That's the standard "male" and "female"
patterns, plus three more that our culture doesn't even recognize
socially!
Behaviorally, I tend to think of gender as a spectrum with a "masculine"
end and a "feminine" end, but as with a spectrum of colors, you
can stop anywhere along the line. No one would say that a rainbow
wasn't natural, even though there are places in a rainbow where
you look at it and can't quite tell if what you're seeing is green
or blue or both or neither. The same is true of gender: not everything
is male or female. Why so many people live their lives refusing
to think about blue-green or teal or aquamarine because they're
convinced that only blue and green exist is beyond me!
Blue-green, teal, and aquamarine are beautiful colors, and we
haven't even started to talk about chartreuse, lilac, burnt umber,
or any of Crayola's other 64 colors. Humans come in at least as
wide a variety of sexual shadings in terms of their genders, sexes,
orientations, behaviors, and desires, and that includes people
who are "transsexuals" or "intersexed" or who cross-dress. In
other words, people who exist in either biological or cosmetic
ways between or across the sexes and/or genders are, and have
historically been, part of the big picture. People can be bi,
or trans, or whatever, and still be healthy, well-adjusted, functional,
healthy human beings who live long and happy lives. If it makes
you happy, makes you feel good about yourself, and you're not
causing anyone harm· what's so wrong with it?
You say that you "have a real problem because I would like to
be a normal woman-loving heterosexual." The problem isn't that
you're bi or that you are attracted to transsexuals or that you've
got an interest in transvestism, the problem is that you're suffering
from internalized homophobia and heterosexism!
If you read the reports of serious sex researchers, what often
gets called "normal" is not really "normal" but normative -- it sets up a baseline or a model for comparison. In real life,
"normal" doesn't exist nearly as often as you might think. Many
men have bisexual tendencies. The majority of men who identify
as heterosexual have had at least one same-sex sexual experience
in their lives, just as a majority of men who identify as homosexual
have had at least one sexual encounter with a woman.
Looked at in one light, this suggests that bisexuality, not heterosexuality,
is an across-the-board "base state" for human beings, since it
seems like anyone, regardless of the gender or sex of partner
they prefer on a regular basis, is capable of having sexual interactions
with other human beings regardless of gender or sex! Just because
heterosexual fucking can produce babies doesn't mean that it's
the only "normal" kind of sexual activity or sexual relationship.
There is nothing inherently abnormal about being bisexual, and
there's nothing inherently abnormal about being attracted to people
of any gender or gender presentation. Attracted to men who dress
in "women's" clothing? Or women who dress in "men's"? Get hot
and bothered when presented with a good looking transsexual? Me
too! Kate Bornstein, Loren Cameron, and Max Wolf Valerio (noted
transgender activists) can whisk me off to bed any old time.
Maybe what really attracts you, deep down, is the fluidity of
gender and sex, the fact that people can exist in so many different
states, not just cookie-cutter male and female. Viva la genderfuck!
You ask, "Can I explore my fantasies and get them behind me so
I can find a wife and not worry about this desire getting in the
way?" Personally, I'm not entirely sure what your fantasies, or
your bisexuality, have to do with being married or finding a wife.
Many bisexual people (male and female) are married to people of
the opposite sex. So are many people who like to crossdress. It's
much healthier and more honest if this is something they're honest
about with their partners, of course. That can be difficult, but
it sure isn't impossible. Thousands of people can tell you otherwise.
Some people who are bi and married just don't feel a strong enough
attraction to same-sex partners for it to end up being something
they feel they MUST have in their lives. They may have fantasies,
flirtations, same-sex porn collections, or simply have social
contacts with other bi or gay people which satisfy that part of
their needs. I know plenty of bi people who are in long-term,
monogamous relationships with people of the opposite sex where
they don't have to pretend they're heterosexual in order to have
long-term heterosexual relationships.
For many bi people who want to be in long-term relationships but
who also want relationships with people of more than one gender,
polyamory (having more than one love relationship in your life)
is a workable option. To judge by the polyamorous people I know,
many of them, but not all of them, are bisexual. I know several
couples who maintain very strong polyamorous marriages in order
to accommodate the bisexuality of one or both primary partners.
In short, it can and does exist, even though to the neighbors
these people look like anyone else on the block.
The same is true of crossdressing and transsexuality. A lot of
crossdressers, particularly male crossdressers, are heterosexually
married. Wives' reactions to their husbands' crossdressing range
from hostility ("You want to wear what?!") to total acceptance and support. At crossdresser-community
events, you will sometimes see crossdressed men who come with
their wives on their arms, both of them looking utterly beautiful
and dressed to the nines.
Like many people who find that they have an orientation or desires
that are not part of what mainstream America thinks is "normal,"
you wonder if you can or should change, or if you should try to
"work on" changing parts of yourself. For my money, I think you
are who you are, and I think that who you are is just fine. I
can't see why you need to change that to have a happy and wonderful
life.
What I think may need to change is your attitudes about your own
sexuality and the set of things that you think about as being
options and possibilities for how you will live your life. As
you intuit, it's probably not in your future that you will have
an effortless "Leave it to Beaver" sort of heterosexual family
life, but hey, who knows? Maybe Ward was wearing June's stockings
and high heels behind the scenes!
A lot more is possible, and to be honest, people actually do much
more in their private lives than they'll usually admit to in public
or in the straight media. You might live down the street from
a couple who has a BDSM dungeon in their basement, or who have
a polyamorous marriage. You might work for someone who really
loves to go home after a hard day at work and relax by crossdressing
in something that makes them feel really sexy. These aren't things
you'd know about because most people try to keep these parts of
their lives a secret. It doesn't, however, mean that it isn't
there or that it isn't happening all around you.
You're not the only person to discover they had sexual desires
that confuse them and ask "But WHY? Why do I feel this way?" The
answer is that no one knows. People are attracted to different
things for an enormous variety of very complex reasons. Desire
is a slippery thing and its sources are pretty damned mysterious.
Psychologists, neurologists, psychiatrists, brain researchers,
sex researchers, and other people who work on the issue all agree
that it's much more complicated than they can pin down.
In short, I wouldn't worry about it, since you're not going to
get a real answer anytime soon. Spend your energy more profitably
on finding out more about bisexuality, trans-people's issues,
finding community, and self-acceptance.
For more information on transgender and crossdressing issues,
I recommend the wonderful website of the International Foundation for Gender Education. For a clearinghouse of bisexual-related information, consult
bi.org. Curious about polyamory? Try the alt.polyamory homepage.
Want to ask the Fat Broad a question? Email her. |
